back at uni please kill me

a completely unplanned emptying of my brains to the page

i don't even really know how to start this... i'm in a seminar right now about dissertations and i'm still so apathetic about uni and doing work. it feels like i'm sacrificing my life for something thats steering my life in the wrong direction i can't get back... can't pay for time. this might just be because i went to sleep at 11:30pm and woke up at 6:35am and that's absolutely not enough sleep for me, i don't know if i need more obviously because 9pm to 9am is perfect but also a little much. i used to do that in janurary to avoid or cut down the hours i'd have to suffer awake but now i'm really enjoying waking up a little earlier. i am the kind of person that you can't talk to in the mornings if you want a response or your head left on. i wish that i lived alone so i could have uninterrupted mornings with my morning rituals and actually not be an internally buzzing wreck stepping out into the world. i could be calm! prepared for the day! but no that's not the reality and won't be for a while. i used to think i could do that in my little (imaginary) house in norway with my now imaginary husband and whatever but that dream life is lame. i used to think i needed to be saved. i kinda still do but now i'm realising that i just want someone who understands me and encourages me to save myself. still might end up marrying my best friend so she can donate her body to science. i don't even think i want a husband because i already would have a pet in

that scenario. also it's so difficult to get a house in the uk. right now though i could convert my money to NOK and buy a norweigian house and maybe even have a bit left over to ship my stuff over in a shipping container.its also a pretty and easy language to learn. i'm still considering it. right now i'm in the sun ROASTING but luckily i have sun cream on but not my arms. it's supposed to reach 16 degrees today but the wind is simply biting. i really can't warm up. sun is almost worse through a window because it feels intensified and it is so painful, though i am glowing gently (it's suncream and sweat). god i really am so bored in this becture. its not as if its a boring topic just intellectually understimuating. i know that makes me sound like a wanker but half the time we are only scraping the surface and using concepts i have already explored and understood prior. its a kind of hell to have a broad range of knowledge like this that could be applied to pretty much anything but also no general knowledge. like right now we are talking about the handmaids tale and i have so many facts memorised from alevels because i wrote these incredible little note cards over two weeks, read them obsessively, made my own audiobook reading them then remembered literally everything and got an A/A*. i really envy those who do- like write and read and know and draw and make and craft. i want to be a do-er but i am unfortunately a person who sees other people do and wants to spread herself thinly and do absolutely everything. i want to become a yogi, a nun, a monk, an artist, a filmographer, a musician, a poet, a proofreader, a silversmith, a cobbler, a designer, a chef, a swimmer, a clothes designer, an interior designer, an architect, a critic, an expert, a novelist, a blonde bombshell at the beach, a photographer- a person of interest. many of these things overlap anyway.i want to lay in the sun. touch some grass. travel. i want to live and be alive.

might flash a priest, india xox