been trying to keep myself busy
this week i have barely been in the house at all (thank god)
sorry i haven't updated this blog in a while, dear stranger (jk i know i'm most likely talking into the void). this is another unstructured ramble but i might make some notes to yap about. right now i'm on my bed writing this blog in my ex's hoodie he will never be getting back ever because he went from saying i'm perfect for him and telling his friends about our romantic meteor shower date was to breaking all the promises he made to me and allegedly fucking someone else at new years in the span of about a month... 'i'm over it' i tell myself, rocking back and forth in the foetal postition. i'm kidding, i'm actually really enjoying my aloneness... even though i acidentally got myself into another "situationship" against my will by making freinds. i really hate the word situationship because it doesn't encompass the makeshiftness of it all. like 'we were dating but then he self sabotaged' or 'i was making freinds then he was texing me everyday suddenly then stopped when he couldn't fuck me and now blames me' are brilliant ways to explain it but one doesn't have the language to describe succinctly what we were. i feel deprived of the language that i should be afforded. that's why i guess situationship works but i resent it. it's just weird to me how the best moment of your life at any point in time can become a memory overshadowed by someones emotional immaturity. what was golden went awfully grey to me (JOANNA NEWSOM
REFERENCE!!!!!). i'm a little tired though. i've been finding it hard to socialise recently. i know it's a transitional period for me because once you get broken up with you kinda have to sacrifice and hold a funeral for who you once were then start building yourself again. theres always main themes of you left, like hobbies and interests and curiosities but its also like you are living in a dead persons room with all their little trinkets in it. its so weird. i've also been off my phone for the last few days. only a few checks while i'm out. i like that i can go unbothered for as log as i want. still irritated that i have to fry my brain everyday to get up but i think its just my way of coping. i wish i had my own homw though. one i felt safe in and could do what i want in, decorate it how i'd like. never happening though unless i move country. i'd just like more alone time where i could be unseen and unobserved for a while. also that whole 'perfect' thing made me question the whole idea of beauty as the comments went from 'i miss walking and talking with you' to 'you're exactly my type' its so... reductive. i don't typically laude my looks or spend any time improving them as i don't participate in all that visual self correction but it feels so reductive to just 'look nice'. it feels like a cop out from being curious about me. i went to this large public garden with my dad and it renewed my love for photography. i hadn't taken any pictures in a while but i took many. i felt quite alive just noticing and capturing things. there was this huge pond that i love in the hot house that was nuturing some beautiful tadpoles and newts. i sat watching them for a while. i really enjoyed myself and ive been on many walks recently which have been refreshing. do i wish that i could stay at home safely and do what id like without interruption? yes, but also walkies!!!! so fun. i love taking pictures. i have a backlog that i need to upload onto my personal instagram and also my second account because i love posting random pic that have meaning to me but have no caption and no chronology so everyone else is confused. i want to post with no ego. i barely post myself either or others, just pretty piccies. fun fact- this used to be the photography bit of the website but i couldn't figure out how to mak a STRAIGHT UP AND DOWN GALLERY GRID. literally no tutorials on it. anyway, i have this irritating buzzing feeling that i should be doing something at all times. no rest. i want to sew tshirts i want to try new foods i want to write more poetry i want to listen to new albums want to moonlight on fragrantica i want to be curious about everything i want to escape. but everything else needs to be done before then.
in an endless cycle of underachieving, india xox