maybe we never make it...

but i hope to god we do.

i've been having a hard week recently... grappling with the idea that the things i want to achieve may never happen because of my environment. i tried to dedicate this month to poetry but alas, i only wrote one as far as i remember, maybe as high as three or four. i'm depressed and losing my memory again. i can't really remember the past week, i only know that im alive because of my camera roll. i've started crying randomly again too about things i've already considered (he left me at my lowest/ can't watch him self destruct and push my love away, ect) and it's getting tiring. it might just be pmdd/period probles. food is boring now. it takes longer to finish a meal. i'm starting to understand that i may never see my dreams manifest because i am preoccupied with trying to survive living here in this house. i do want to move out. maybe never see anyone again but my bestie and my dad and a few exceptions. i feel many pressures here. i am trying to craft an identity in a dysfunctional enviroment where many things are stacked against me and it's setting me back. i can't think. i have brain fog. i can't sit still to do something. i either lay or do. everyday passes me by. every task takes an hour. i don't think i dream anymore. i seem to dream in the mornings before i wake or maybe i just retain them better but i can't remeber what i was dreaming of... i know it got cut short though and it felt like someone was holding my face...

haunting memories reach me all day in my mundane. it hurts sometimes. it feels like people have more lively lives than i do, though i know that they are all like me too. there are so many things i want to do. writings. on the writings page i want to write about what i have learnt about synths trying to make an album, and i want to scan in my music knowledge book that i made with all it's intricacies. i want to write about silly things like my iphone camera settings and digital camera process, what books i'm reading, reviews, how to keep a diary and so on. i want to help those that are like me who can never can find what they are looking for. i just want to share my knowledge. i welcome the birdsong that the spring did bring. i listened to wadon by fairuz. i should put my music reviwes here too. i did have a reviews page but i unlinked it because i hadnt written anything and it was starting to become confusing to find. i want to finish my poertry and write them all down or print them in a book or something. i want to finish my crochet. finish all my tshirts. do a lyrics analysis thing. finish my crochet. all this and no peace. no safety or life for me. i will do all these things soon. i will not bow to comparison or to pain, but i hang my head for now... in the beautiful words of the poet talal haidar,

the tears knock on my doors, india xox