the head of the tempest has come

and it rains hard as it has not any other day.

there is thunder, it shakes the room. there is an angry god crashing about just out of reach of where i could see him (him, as a woman is passionate, a man is distructive and messy in his feeling, evident by his splashing of rain on to my window). if the world is a theatre, then i am sat in momentary tragedy. i don't know why, as ever, i feel this way. i am sitting in the dark on my laptop that i have been on for a while. it's probably a good opportunity to look at the list. the list is a set of things i measure myself against when i feel like shit; am i hungry? thirtsy? hormonal? tired? bothered? hot/cold? do i need to walk? to see the sea? to explore? to get out of the house? to put my phone down? to create? to see an animal? ... at the moment i am watching the newest madeline argy podcast and i think this comes under putting my phone (and/or laptop in this case) as occasionally the content you consume will eat you up. madeline usually doesn't. i have watched her podcasts for almost two or three years every monday, saturday, or friday that she has posted them and she has guided me through maturing. many of her topics have preempted my personal discoveries but now i find they lag behind. today it hit the nail on the head and provided me the words i could not string together. i heard once of this regiment (that i am sure i am not quoting correctly but i will relay it anyway) and it went thus: in buddhism, a monk may try to limit the chaos of life by restricting an aspect. they could deny themselves physical pleasures like sex, or gastronomic pleasures like garlic and onion and meat and the like, due to their arousing natures, or deny other things i cannot remember. i think most are set out by buddha or the dalai lama so that the monk can learn discipline and detatchment. i think it must encompass physical training, routine, diet and silence but i cannot be sure. in the theme of madelines podcast, i have to ask, what do we unknowingly and reflexively deny ourselves to try and limit chaos in our lives and how does this limit us? and as it rains i consider,

is chaos really that bad?, india xox