i keep listening to dealer by lana del rey over and over again
i think i have to do something hard today that i don't want to do because i don't like to do it
today i am being a little hard on myself. i am kicking myself because i believed the dream i was sold again. i didn't mean to, but i bought into it subconsiously. i think i got lovebombed by my ex again, and i say that because i remember that he did this the first time we met. i'm not angry because i know he didn't mean it but it's making me sad and drained. he went from coming back and saying how he wants a relationship and that he loves me and misses me and told his dad and his friends about me and that he wants me to come to norway to be his wife and that he is coming back to england to see me and to take me on a date and that he is so sorry for everything (said almost in that barraging pace), to saying that he is now thinking of a friendship because of 'everything going on' and hes fighting himself over this. he also said that he is not coming back to england anymore but possibly going to belgium because and i quote, 'why would i go, theres nobody for me there'. he also said he doesn't want to do long distance, because (quoting him again) 'how would that work?'. to me it would work well, i don't ask for much, he just doesn't want to put the effort in, which really hurts. apparently he's just going to let the universe go with the flow and see where it takes us. he doesn't want to leave me though because i am such a good friend to him. he said how nobody said happy birthday to him but he appreciated that i remembered
because he knows i'm an hour behind and i sent it at 11pm so it would get to him by midnight. i had it on my calendar for months before we went on a break so i kind of saw it as an obligation. if you planned on breaking up with someone on their birthday for four whole months (as bad of a plan as it was), you kind of have to say it even when your plan goes awry, partially as a duty to yourself. he did apologise for backtracking but the damage had been done. the dream had been sold. the gavel clamped down upon the judges table. a transferrance of hands. the dream was now in my hands and i didnt know that to do with it as i watched it become dust. i didnt want it. i had already convinced myself that i didn't want it, or need it. i was happy with never seeing him again but for gods sake he had to come back. god forbid a girl try to build a life for herself her ex would be proud of but never show him. god forgive a girl find peace. i was so close to nirvana... samsara... heaven... self actualisation... whatever it was i had enclosed him in my heart and left it up to her to remember. its like having a parent who wont love you so you just accept it until they feel bad and give you so much kindness that is so overdue you feel like screaming. it's far too late for all this. i am also a little resentful. I was supposed to be the one who came back when I was ready and when I was better. it was MY opportunity to come back, not his. my brain has drifted away a few times (against my will), imagining the date he'd take me on,
the music we would make, the life we could have lived. i'm listening to venice bitch now. i'm becoming someone i never thought i'd be. i have to draw the line somewhere. i don't want to be a no commitment convinience. i wouldn't have minded being friends if he admitted that he was working through his problems and that he wanted to be okay before we built anything solid, just built a good friendship, really got to know me, really wanted to do it correctly this time before making me his girlfriend... but no. honestly, i thought he had died. he hasn't responded to me in 5 days. thats no way to treat a 'friend'. he has asked me how i am five times since he came back almost a month ago and one was to shut me up about making him take accountability and the other was to set up a monologue about how he went through so much and that excused him from how he treated me as (quoth the ginger) 'you [meaning me] were treated the best out of everyone'. he didn't ask how i was in the break either. he didn't consider if i wanted to be firends. he didn't even consider if i wanted a relationship either. i really don't know why he came back. i feel so invisible to him, as much as i did in janurary. if i came back (which i didn't and didn't plan to) i would have done it better. deep inside i knew that the end didn't come down to me anyway. i sometimes think that globally, there are bad days and good days and they are universal each year across the whole planet, like the mist day, but i am struggling to believe that this is global and not a few weeks localised to me because of my bad decisions. i should'nt have let him come back. it doesn't matter how much i love him or was in love with him, love is not always enough. i found myself crying in the shower a few times this week, my jaw shut and stiff making me unable to eat, a creeping feeling of whats the point- exactly how i felt with him in janurary. all i want to do is cry and sleep and get this all over with. it's a cycle, he doesnt want to help himself and wont let me help him but i'm not going to stand and watch him fight himself over how he feels about me. why should i?
not as prepared for this as i thought, india xox