i am mythology probably

this summer feels like being kept in a cruel form of 
limbo that i can't yet escape like every summer

i feel like i have so much to do but i can't do any of it and that i am limited by my current environment. i wish i was one of those people who were born with ambition, who always knew what they wanted but had the courage and support to strive for it. i don't have that. i have the propencity to dream. right now, and since forever, i have been dreaming of a house of my own. the closest i have to that is my room, and even smaller so i have my bedside table and my diary. i have been an avid diary keeper since the first few months of college, roughly 2021. i wanted to start before college but couldn't find a notebook. since then i have filled up two and a half diaries and have mostly got it down to an art. i find that i can really tell where i am in my life when i read them back; in the first i am wildly imaginative and somewhat emotional. i use metaphors to describe litterally everything. the other half of that diary chronicles my dreams and they too are feverish and weird. i had alot of character then. my entries are frequent. in the next one i try to cram everything in at once which runs on to this new one. i would like to write more but i have had little energy recently. i do miss my first diary self. i was magical. i think i write so much because i am afraid to forget. like how in the entire time that i have lived in this house, i've only ever seen the garden from the windows until a few years ago and maybe even this week when started actually spending time outside. or like how i had never explored the local area by myself, but when i did my whole life changed. in the same way, everyday has three acts, the morning where everything changes, the consequences of what you chose to do in the morning, and the evening when i can sleep... i have had some sad moments this week... relationships appear to be my biggest challenge... they make me feel like a bug in a small box that kept being shaken and set down again...

weirdly thoughtful today, india xox