i think i forgot how to dream

either that or i'm scared to remember because i know i'm 
terrified of forgetting and being forgotten.

just checked my work email, no jobs. i do dream of being a bobarista. i used to get one every thursday, then every friday when i was at college then most mondays at uni but it became more sporadic. haven't had one in yonkers. though i do have one when i see my girlies but they're all at their uni's right now so i haven't had chance to see them :( . so happy we all keep in touch or we all atleast try because i love my girlies! anyway that was not what i wanted to talk about. i'm still ill so i'm having some very fevered thoughts. one is that i have to reschedule my wellbeing appointment. i originally had arranged it for my anxiety then i realised that my anxiety was just a man so i went to that appointment, then became a bit depressed, completely appathethic with no motivation, then my second appointment was cancelled and i just fixed it myself by going to see my bestie. i know i should go and continue my progress or it's like stopping taking your anti-depressants as soon as you feel better but i'm not as problem filled right now (i think). another is that i want to make bread, maybe a caramelised onion bread, or a quick pizza for lunch. i usually make everything from scratch because nobody taught me to cook. upside to that though is that i can cook banging chinese food because those are the cookbooks that i have. crispy chilli beef? i've got you. another is that i need to organise my poetry ideas and finish

some off and write some new ones because there are some that i used to be so excited to make that i'm now like... i dont know what to do with all that. another is the idea of being like everyone else, it kinda plagues me as it's paradoxical: we are all like eachother yet all individual. i hate that all things must be balanced but it's also my favourite part of being alive. i might write a poem on that. i like to think that i'm an established poet and imagine what it'd be like to analyse my own work and see the inflections and shit but i'm also really happy with shouting into the void y'know? like would i like to be recognised for my work? a little, but by a cult following maybe, like 200 people that really jive with what i'm putting out. like, 200 people that really get it, but thats just a core need in the human condition me thinks. just recognition. not being ignored. everything really can be boiled down to being seen. i'd really like to increase my vocab by like reading the dictionary or reading more often or something. it's just having the guts. sometimes its scary to try something if nobody knows that youre doing it but its worse when they're all standing, metaphorically, behind you. i do like reading books about the things i like though. i have a lot of books. i think it was a heaven sent honey video that inspired me to really invest in my likes, especially my interest in perfume, poetry, and flower language. i think im slowly becoming more receptive to abandoning convention. life is short and the world is ending. might as well have fun.

a big fat goodbye smooch from me, india xox