golden grass + repressed rage

took a break from being ill yesterday and saw my bestie 
and now i'm fine 

i think the visions are coming back... i'm joking that sounds really scary but i used to have prophetic dreams when i was younger that actually happened, like my mum getting cancer, my ex kissing some girl at a club while texting me he cared about me and someone coming into my life that i loved for the summer (funnily enough i had a vision that we wouldn't make it to christmas either). i haven't had any big visions like that like i used to but smaller ones, like knowing that i'll forget the voucher i promised to bring or that i'm going to drop something or my train being late. arguably they sound predictable as hell but i never know. maybe it's just pattern recognition... knowing that things will happen doesn't make it easier to manage though because you never know if or when or if you'll even remember and catch it happening in the moment. also not mentioning this to a therapist. i had a dream last night that was in two part: the first was greyscale or very desaturated and involved us running from these fascist invertebrate monsters in this big house and you had to hide as well as possible or theyd torture you and i heard all these families around me going and they found me first in the room and spared my family only if i sung on the national radio. this woman put me in this room and she had like a 100 faces and the officers all filed in while i stood on this big countryhouse windowsil while the troops gathered

up outside and i smiled at a human officer while i sang 'o england my lionheart' because it's the most patriotic thing i could think of that i knew all the words to. i had a coughing fit and heard the milk man come then the second part was us having escaped and they came for us in our houses. i ran throught the marsh. i had another dream of my lover trying to show me his room but he walked 200 yards ahad of me at all times and it pissed me off because the building kept getting narrower and more squallid then he took me through this hallway in the back of this theatre and the door to his room was behind these slabs of wood where he had ripped all the nails out and put them all in a pile on the floor. he had a beautiful room and was actually paying attention to me then i woke up. i'm not analysing any of that. im having memory problems though anyway because of the stress of life. very apathetic right about now. can't remember janurary. my brain is finding it hard to maintain new freindships im making because its like a child that misses it's dad but i can't tell it that we don't talk to him anymore and mummy has to find someone else to help us because he's having personal problems i don't understand fully because it won't understand. i know my life iss fulfilling without romance but god is it a great distraction from the other parts of my life that i hate. i'm planning loads of holidays to get away. i'm making memes again. i want to dye my hair green and abandon my phone. get grillz and move country. buy matching lipsticks and chat with my bestie again.

visions, the 2012 album by claire boucher, india xox