slumpslumpslump

my god i'm so BORED let me get off of uni let me have a 
real life!!!

i usually have a list of topics that i want to cover on a little post it note thing on my laptop but i cant be arsed today... no secret today either. think im just going to yap like a little dog today. its a nice spring day, not warm enough at all to get my legs out which makes me upset. i really want to wear my cooler clothes you know? but i CAN'T or i'll shiver like a little baby. i am slightly scared for this summer. i haven't had one in a while where i haven't had a date to go to in august around my dads birthday. for some reason it's ALWAYS from june/ july time to november-december ish where i have a love that goes wrong. but in august it's always nice and new and we go on dates. i don't want to be lonely this summer and i don't think i will be because i have my besties and so many things i'd like to do and i know that lonliness is most often personally crafted- clinging on to the past and unable to be in the present- but also i am a huge vault of memory, EVERYTHING reminds me of other things i have done and it reminds me that time is cruel. all i have really is looking back and looking out but no looking forward. i find that when i get to look forward to something, i build it up too much and it's never as good as i really think. i don't know why i do that but it's an escape from my normal life i think. a caged bird indoors would imagine it's experience free from bars when looking at a window. i'm not saying i

have it hard. i have many privaleges, but a quiet home with a safe atmosphere would fix it in my opinion. if i had a safe and calm place to go to, to come back to, i think i'd be more receptive to the present moment because i'd be as happy as i was in the past... and i think my nervous system would be less fried and i wouldn't feel all that stress, because you carry it with you. i could relax. that's what i dream about, to be relaxed so maybe thats why i am dissapointed. i'm looking forward to a few things; holidays, trips, freedo. i think of freedom as being a young man. i icture him with the faces of boys i admired at college. i see them now and they've all suffered twink death. i remember their primes in my head. they all have this boyish charm, freedom of behaviour, freedom of dress, freedom of time and travel and somewhat infinate money. simple things make them happy. they bow to no one; not authority nor perception. now, i know this is not true. they are all afflicted by insecurity, fear, limitiation. they all want love. they are all boys trapped in adult bodies and won't fucking listen to you. they all make their lives harder by doing the easiest thing one could do. they all hate themselves enough to think nobody cares about them and so fuck you if you do. 'its fine, i can dissapear, she doesn't care enough to notice' he tells himself. i think it's sad and embarassing. all men are living small, half lives. that is not how i want to see my freedom, as a drunken reckless man who hunts every opportunity for him just to kill it and waste it, devoid of emotion. instead i adopt the best parts of them, the true parts of masculinity unaltered by all that fake shit, and balance it carefully with my femininity to hope it doesn't all fall. everything needs balance. i will be hoping to go to oslo for a weekend to go to sorenga and explore the city early or mid summer then to spain maybe with my friend if she gives me more information and then london, local places and then back to western norway to alesund for the aquarium, a fjord cruise to geirangerfjorden then a hike. i will resume my life then after that. i wish i could run away forever and have true freedom... until then i have obligations, wishing my old lover happy birthday as i promised i wouldn't let him down...

yearning, india xox