finished my second essay in like two days

went to my besties exibition and accidentally walked into 
her exam... like a dickhead... 

took the day off today from doing my essays. i finished one of mine in two days but i can never tell if it's going to do well. if i'm excited about it i don't do well, if i throw it out in a few hours i get high marks. i'm over it really. i am so excited to build a life that i am proud of. i've started right now or maybe a while ago... the boundaries between times are permeable. thin little membranes i pass through without knowing. i'm watching the track 10 music video rn so that's probably why. i had a crackpot idea the other day that i would spend all the money i have on around 35 holidays. i do lowkey wanna spend all my money travelling. i have the vision of a life i want to live, it's not clear but its there. i'm going to denia, near valencia in july with my bestie for two weeks. i have a long list of things i want to do and experience. i'm learning norweigian and polish- i plan to go to oslo soon then warsaw to see family. i should learn spanish too but i find it hard. i dont get it. not in any real sense to not get something but i am for some reason more accustomed to dialects of spanish??? anyway, i keep having dreams about my ex. i think its finally hit him that i'm not coming back. unfortunately i still follow him on spotify and he takes breaks from his gangster rap shit to listen to sugar by brockhampton and pope is a rockstar and cigarettes after sex... its kinda sad. i think i almost saw him listening to

pyramids by frank ocean once, which is sad because it was our song, we listened to it on our meteour shower date. i think i added it to our shared playlist. i don't remember. i'm not reading much into it because i think he's one of those psychos who has no playlists and puts his liked songs on shuffle. now he's listening to 21 guns by green day. giggling because now so am i. i only follow him so i can expand my music taste because he does throw me out a few bangers. i feel like this summer i am free. like truly free. my mind has changed. expanded a bit. got a lot of a way to go but there are so many things i want to do. most of all i want to be creative. and have consistancy. i want to make myself out of clay. i think we all get this way when the sun comes out. all poetic, spilling out prose but, maybe its needed. i miss my ex sometimes. really, i do. if i think about it he came to me in a very low point in my life where i was building myself up again, made me feel better, then let me topple off the pedastal he put me on. i hit the ground hard. but i dont want him back. my life is better than when he left me, but not quite as good as it was in the beginning. he was really a light. i had a crush on him for a long time. i said after my first go, if it's true he will come back. and he did. he came to me in a dream first though, then in person. i am happy alone now though. i have become much more creative. i like to draw things and make things with my hands. i must update my diary, and read my books, and learn those languages, post more on the internet, make my album, write that poetry. i have so many things to do...

i love you, india xox