oh england my lionheart...

all those songs were about me, and all of that poetry 
and more was about you, how will you handle it?

so... finished all my essays... went on a walk today and listened to bjork, bulgarian choral and radiohead the whole time. did henna when i got home. i am listening to the 2015 forth wanderers demos and my heart aches mildly. so... i was right, dear reader, all those songs were about me. my ex texted me on saturday which was kinda annoying because i was planning to leave on his birthday next friday because i thought he was never coming back, and if he was it wasnt to see me. i went out that day and had a great time at the record fair with my bestie and my dad. i didn't think much about my ex though it did hit me at some points. i came home and responded to his text, he asked 'hey, how are you doing?' then i responded and he asked again and i was like, girl... you already asked... then he asked to call which was so not him. i asked him if he had been replaced and he didn't find it funny. he is norwegian. i'm not too sure if they have humour (i remember he is funny). so he called me while i was pissing... typical, no rest for the pissing, and then we called later. i had missed his voice. i didn't realise that i did miss it or quite how much, but it had changed a little bit, much quieter, and from what he was telling me it makes sense. he did go through alot and aparently he was treating me better than everyone else, but that's not much better. he told me he missed me and that he was sorry (he said i'm sorry IF i

hurt you which pissed me so far off but that's the only way he knows how to agologise i guess...) and he said that he loved me but i'm skeptical. i half believe that he will leave again and i also half believe that this is just the start of the cycle and it won't be any different to last time. i do apreciate that he told me, i really do, but i couldnt bring myself to tell him i still loved him back because last time i humiliated myself. or he humiliated me. i was humiliated. there were so many things i didn't get out on the call that i want to tell him now. ive been wanting to tell him for ages. i want to show him england because i thought he was gone for good. apparently he wants a relationship now, something he said he didn't want at one point and he wants me to be his wife. honestly im not even thinking of a relationship right now. i'm happy on my own and would only consider a relationship if it made my life better and not worse. but if i tell him when we meet, because he wants to see me again in the summer, that ill only consider it after he gets therapy for a while then hopefully he can get the help he needs and i can have a healthy relationship or walk away. my friends and father are all screaming no but i do want to see him. it might be the end. i never like to wonder what i should have done. i like to let myself do the things i want to but not force myself to do things i don't. i'd regret not seeing him. he wants to take me on a date. i think i'd enjoy dinner, because i love to eat. he wants to take me to wagas and i think he thinks it's my favourite restaurant which is true but i want to take him to confucious. he said he will pay so i'll negotiate something.

my love (like the pollen) is back, india xox