and i don't want the world to see me

cuz i don't think that they'd understand... lol i've 
listened to iris three times today already

i have really bad allergies today because i went om a walk yesterday, sneezed once and now my nose has not stopped running at all. i had a pretty shit sleep because i'd fix my face to lay down and get this irritating tingly feeling that made me so angry after a while that i was too irritated to sleep. i woke up pretty okay but my ex texted me and irritated me. THEN i didn't want to eat made breakfast and fried some halloumi and i cut into it and it leaked unripened (?) cheese everywhere, all in the pan, chopping board, everything. THEN!!!! i couldn't get in the bathroom for a whole hour because some idiot was getting ready... so yeah not a good morning. i feel a little low. i am still confused as to why my ex came back. it has been a week and he has been responding with one word answers to whatever i send after about a day or two. no i love you. no more i miss you's. how can we create a relationship through one text every day? or evern every other day? i don't know, if i had hurt the woman i loved, i would come back and make everything better. it's even worse because i asked him if he was okay and he said he is he just doesn't use social media anymore so i asked for an alternative but he didn't give one. i think i get the message. my friend and my dad are really hounding me to stop talking to me, which is really irritating me because its as if they don't trust me to make my own judgement about

him. i told them to not rush me, i'll do it when im ready. if they want to get rid of him so bad they can date him for all i care. i'm not stupid, i can see that he's not putting much effort in and he knows what i want, he came back and gave me all i wanted for one day, then took it straight back. it's like he's dangling a carrot infront of my that i'm strangely too appathetic to take. i used to be so in love with him but he makes me feel pretty invisible. it makes me sad, i wish he was different. not that i could mould him into my perfect man but just that he had basic awareness and consideration. a bit of curiousity wouldn't go amiss. i keep being mean to him by accident because i feel like we have not resolved enough to just 'go back to normal' but i keep feeling bad for rejecting his bids for connection. i know it's just the way i protect myself but it's not who i am. then again, he does not feel that bad for how he treated me as far as i am aware. it's a difficult time for me right now. on tuesday i saw two deer after seeing my friend. one deer was a tawny brown with little white spots and the other was a mix of charcoal and a auburn colour. the were just eating in the feild. i wish i could have taken a picture of them. i see these symbols areound often, namely in the shapes of birds. they tell me alot about the world and its happenings. they tell me fortunes. i should probably call him about everything. there was so much i didn't get to say.

awkward conversations ahead, india xox