do i look like a big fucking fool today?

when they said that they always come back i knew it was 
true but WHY TODAY I'M TRYING TO HEAL YOU IDIOT

god i'm so super mega hyper today i'm so over everything. i am so overwhelmed, can i not be whelmed??? for once??? anyway... it's nine weeks since i last talked to my ex lover because he wanted me to 'heal' (thanks for reminding me snapchat) and i'm just about spending everyday calmly and rationally and whatever because i understand everything better now. one of my besties said that my brain will form a list to think about and you will eventually exhaust the list, and shes right, i have but even though i understand it all i'm still stuck on 'BUT WHY THO?' because surely it's so much easier not to self sabotage but OBVIOUSLY I'M WRONG EVEN THOUGH THE ADVICE I GAVE LAST TIME IS STILL IN ACTIVE PRACTICE IN HIS LIFE. i just realised that i've had an iced latte ontop of a naturally anxious brain and thats why i am writing at 100mph, chatting to my bestie on the phone and screaming along to wuthering heights all at the same time. now today, roughly an hour and SEVEN minutes ago (not autistic or anything) i got a snap from this guy i call 'hairbrush guy' (i'd suggest one didn't deep the meaning of the name) who i haven't spoken to since like the 13th of jan 2024 when i last saw my bestie who looks EXACTLY like him. i'm not sure how much i can divulge but he first started texting me in like may 2023 if i remember correctly (i do i just checked it was the 13th of may) then traumatised me to such a degree i

forgot to text back in the morning and we never spoke again... UNTIL NOW!!! ALMOST TWO YEARS LATER!! which lowkey makes me mad because he unfollowed me on instagram... why... but also shortly after that competition, the same bestie who looks like him does the same sport that he does and they met... GOD I HATE IT HERE... anyway i feel like the universe is laughing at me like, 'oh you want to heal and decenter men? YEAH FUCK YOU'. it just feels like such a test... plus men are so hard to discourage. what do we even have to talk about?? pegging?? like??? god, i'm just so over these idiots. i know from experience they always come back but it is rarely ever a compliment. like i'm already worried about my ex lovers birthday because i have to tell him that it's not actually a break and that i know his childhood is informing his decisions and that's why he hurt me and i'm not coming back because he hid his disloyalty very poorly from me so i don't need to worry about anything else on top of that. i have a new male friend (i really don't know if i can or want to call him that but that's a separate matter) that has shown me how truly stressful it is to engage with men on a close and personal level everyday because he will NOT stop calling me (calling me is a privalege for the girlies). luckily this friend knows these guys that i semi-idolised at college because of their cool and boyish mystery and they are all (annoyingly) still cool. like most are djs, but this one i used to call 'george micheal' (because of the resembleance) is now a jeweller and OMG HOW I

WANT TO BE A SILVER SMITH. i followed him on insta and he followed me straight back and i lowkey envy him but he has suffered twink death. all of them have. they all look like dads now... i don't know really why i didn't do that instead of english literature (i do it was the money but i want to do a course after uni). i recently have found myself talking to the strangers in my head about different things, trying to convince them but also myself that i am cool, like george micheal, i imagine that i saw him with my friend and he starts talking about his course and i tell him that i used to buy real gemstones off ebay for like a fiver. now that's so cool TO ME but he might think that was lame but i wish i could think about LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE but no my brains like 'imagine this scenario with him, decipher the meaning behind this, oh! what would you do if you met your ex lovers mates?' GIRL I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. i have had this personal thing since forever about if you knew a man on a daily basis, and i had this theory in late secondary / early college, you would see him much differently. if you knew how your friends spoke about him, or if you watched him talk to his or if you saw how he evolved over the period of 5 or 7 years, you'd see how much of a fucking LOSER he really is. that's the problem with dating apps, you don't get all that, you get the mask of what they want you to see because they think you are so hot they must be different. that's the trap- they don't have that information about you either. i wish i was let into some people more.

i also think it's nice to meet people at that point because you get to see the real them for a while before they go back to the way they were socialised to be, but also it gives them a fresh chance to choose who they want to be, unmired by what you may have heard. most people choose wrong though. ANYWAY, i'm bored of this now i have to finish the rest of this off so it looks good on the page so i shall chat. i was once told by our chemistry teacher who was a gemologist that i make diamonds shine that little bit more when he bought diamonds into class with him that day. he also taught me how to buy gems on ebay and i have a small jar of peridot and reclaimed aquamarines from vintage italian rings. i want to write a poem about that. apparently he said i'd be sensitive to energy feilds too. need to get my chakras violently aligned and rearranged. i think i might write a poem today about that and theres another idea that i have that i want to complete. i have so many more ideas and poems to finish off but i think im gonna dedicate this month to poetry so i can use it to write lyrics and such because i'm struggling with music, like i know all the sounds i want but not the feelings or how to articulate them. poetry really helps with that. it's like capturing an image or a feeling or a moment and trapping it forever in eternity. i like doing that... it's been getting harder recently though... my head feels electric... i've started to think in impulses now. bit hard for words to survive that storm.

absolutely fucking fuming, india xox