i see snippets of peoples lives all the time

i want to live as freely as them, to have the good 
circumstance that i dream of, my friends close and...

bright with rain. this morning i have listened to homesickness part 2 now i journey through alice coletranes five years... last night my mind was running away from me. i took a picture of the night which has come out blurry. i started to write a poem in my head and i couldnt stop, it was like a puncture... all my thoughts flowing out... i want to recount some of it here but i hate its incompleteness. i imagined this entire blog last night and forgot all but half... i wrote "i want love [...] not because it obscures my faults but illuminates them under a new kind of scrutiny, a warm scrutiny of the sun through a magnifying glass laser focussing light. it put it [them/ my faults] into context through my lovers words. i am no longer gangly but i am of beautiful figure, i no longer have frizzy hair but curls that hug back my lovers fingers, i do not lie upon but am held by his frame... i am not lonely i am just yearning"... i was supposed to elaborate but i dont want to now... i have lost that illustrious moment of thought that i rarely have anymore... i used to have it more but i scoured myself of my anxiety and this ability to flow by collatoral... i imagine that i am a writer, a poet but like my grammar my enthusiasm is waning. yesterdy i bought these little fancy chocolates from a chocolate shop that marked them down because they needed to be eaten soon. i did this in college too. i ate half yesterday and will eat them today too in various and gradually more feral ways... the day before i went cloud watching in my back garden... i laid out on my yoga mat and had a green blanket over me that made a bee think i was the ground and he crawled straight over me... he was old but felt heavy... very cute little man... i did not plan out more than this to do today so i am at a loss... i might finish one of my paintings that i fucked up...

so bored i may combust, india xox